Holding Hands

Dear Fern and Rose,

     Yesterday started out as another day of  third grade and kindergarten for you;  folders of completed  homework in your backpacks,  you counted the days until Christmas break.  Laughter, songs and last minute instructions filled the car as your traveled to school. 

      Shortly after you arrived, four hundred miles away, kids and adults died by  the hands of a murderer, in a school similar to yours.  

E P and Clara Fern Moore
my grandparents

     How do we all get through this?  "I want everyone I love within my eyesight, with my arms around you"... I wrote on my Facebook page a few hours afterward.  My first reaction was to want to  gather up everyone precious to me and retreat behind protective walls.  I especially  wanted to protect you, my dear grand-daughters.

     Is that the best I can do for you?   

     When I was a young girl, my grandmother protected me.  She did not build walls around me, but instead encouraged me to venture out into a world bigger than anything she had experienced  herself.   

     She protected my with her presence.  She was available;  I knew I could talk to her about anything---first love, nursing school, marriage, parenthood, moving  away,  divorce, traveling to Africa, my sister's death....and she would listen without judgment.    

      She protected me by embracing the changing world--not running from it.   The world may be more violent than when she grew up, but she managed to survive hardships I can't imagine--- a third grade education, serious illnesses,  the death of her mother when she was still a child, marriage at age fourteen, poverty, economic depression, the dust bowl, sending  her two sons to war and living off the land as farmers.  

     She protected me by offering me a real, authentic relationship.  She celebrated my victories, comforted me when I failed, walked with me through loss, encouraged me to stretch and take advantage of opportunities. 


     What does all of this mean to you?

     We mourn for the tragedy yesterday.  Violence  does not make sense and never will.  One of the surviving children said he was  told to close his eyes and hold hands, to avoid seeing the carnage.  Wonderful advice for the moment.  

     Today, I acknowledge that danger is unavoidable, but living a restricted life based on fear does not allow me to see the needs of others, the possibility of wonder, the magic of relationships. 

      We need each other--the merging of youth and life experience. Together the possibilities are endless.

     With our eyes open wide, holding hands--with each other, friends and strangers--we will change the world, one touch at a time.  

     You are my sunshine.

                                                                   Love Always....Gram

     



      


    


   

Senses Wish List

I received a note from a reader who shared a wonderful story about being with her grandmother during her final months, as she faded away from Alzheimer's. She responded tenderly and appropriately to her grand-daughter's touch. It became a way they communicated, when other means of connecting vanished.

Several years ago an old friend called to say his mother was dying. She was alert, but weak and frail, being cared for by family and hospice staff. I had not known her well, but he asked if I would visit her. I took Gardenia scented hand lotion. To my surprise she asked if I would massage her hands as we talked.

"Is that gardenia?" she asked.

She smiled and told me about her senior prom, sixty years before. Her date gave her a gardenia corsage. It was her first time to receive flowers from a beau. The scent held a special place in her heart. She had not told that story before.

She gave me permission to touch her, which deepened the meaning of the time we spent together.

We relate to the world around us through our senses.

Sight...Hearing....Taste....Smell....Touch....

Why not create a Senses Wish List?

Picture yourself with a magic wand.

Whatever your senses desire is at your command.

What/who do you want to see?

What brings joy to your ears?

What taste lingers on your tongue?

Do you want to be touched? If so, how?

What do you want to smell?

Go deeper.....

Are you in a familiar bed covered with a wool blanket or a favorite quilt?

Do you want a bedside lamp or overhead light?

Is the TV on?

Are others talking? Are you included in the conversation, even if you aren't verbal?

What does your skin feel like?

What is the temperature of the room?

Here are some things I have shared with my family/friends, in the event I am not able to communicate to them:

• I do NOT want a TV on!! (So many times in hospitals the TV is on for distraction or to give something to talk about...that is fine for those who want it, but it would drive me nuts!)
• I hate overhead lights--especially fluorescent ones! Please, please just a small bedside lamp, which is turned off when I need to rest. Sunlight and moonlight please me tremendously!
• Music....please, lots of it! Some old rock and roll, a little Mozart, some Celtic, a bit of bluegrass, anything by Simon and Garfunkel. But the best would be live: anything my daughter Sara plays on viola, friends/family singing hymns, my grand-daughters singing anything they want, campfire songs, some guitar, ukulele or flute....it all sounds wonderful to me today as I imagine it.
• Flannel sheets--even in summer--would be lovely.
• Please moisten my lips with lip gloss. Feed me water, unsweetened drinks...especially Jasmine green tea.
• Hold my hand.
• Talk to me. Believe I can hear you.
• Know that I love you and appreciate all you are doing for me.

The task at hand is for us to understand what we want, then communicate that and give our loved ones permission to respond to our senses.

As a nurse I have been at the bedside of many dying persons--in hospitals, at home, in hospice care, with family members. The angst of family members at that time can be relieved by knowing some of these things before the final days.

It is a gift we are all capable of giving.

Find a quiet spot. Spend a few moments thinking about each of your senses. Write down preferences.

Share your discovery with your loved ones. Listen to their responses. Answer questions.

Celebrate your courage by pleasing at least one of your senses right now! See how that feels...savor the idea that you are sharing that important information with the ones who love you.

I found by doing that I am more likely to create an environment NOW that pleases me. And that makes me a nicer person to be around!

New Beginnings: Greeting Death

Welcome to my new site!

I will use this spot to journal my thoughts and ideas as I write a book that explores the value of acknowledging our own mortality, including planning for end-of-life.

I am middle-aged, healthy and dream of becoming a great-grandmother.

This morning I watched a spectacular Lake Huron sunrise from the north shore of Bois Blanc Island in northern Michigan. I stood nearly breathless as another new day cracked through the shimmering horizon.

It would have been easy to jump ahead to all of my plans for the day--friends arriving, feasts to prepare, checking the pantry for s'mores ingredients, wondering when I would find time to write.....

In the midst of those thoughts, I listened, again, to the music I have selected for my funeral. I hope by the time it is needed the current electronic format is obsolete! But, since I have no way of knowing when I will watch my last sunrise, I take comfort in the preparations I have made.

It all starts with admitting that we are all going to die. That part alone, is a process, not an event. Some days that idea flows smoothly. Other days perhaps the idea is banished.

Keep at it. Keep trying on the notion that death is something we don't escape.

It is the common ground that binds us all.

I will include resources I find helpful. I look forward to hearing from you-experiences, wisdom, concerns, questions....all are welcome here.

What leads one to delve deeply into the topic of death?

For me, early experiences as a nurse and more recent experiences as a family member, as well as traveling to other countries, has shaped my current views and concerns about our reluctance to admit our own mortality as a culture.

So....I invite you to come along with me on this exploration.

I promise you, talking and thinking about our own death does NOT make it happen sooner.

Really. I am pretty certain of that.

For me, there is peace in imagining my death. And comfort in knowing I have a folder of information prepared for my family and friends so they will be able to create a final service for me that encourages a healthy celebration of our relationships, a time to mourn and a time to heal.