My wise and wonderful niece reminded me yesterday of the need to recognize the loss that is felt when a pregnancy ends in fetal/newborn death. Her sensitivity comes from personal experiences several years ago. Today she has two beautiful, healthy children and there is no doubt she cherishes those little darlings. She and her husband remember and acknowledge the losses they experienced, as part of the fabric of their lives.
As a young, single, idealistic nursing student I expressed an interest in writing about pregnancy loss to my obstetrics clinical instructor. Peering over her bifocals she suggested I choose a more positive topic, perhaps "Bonding with your newborn" or "The Health Benefits of Breastfeeding"
I persisted.
She reluctantly agreed.
I was allowed to informally talk with women who were hospitalized following delivery of a healthy infant, but who also had a history of fetal/newborn loss.
During the time I taught tips on newborn care I managed to ask some version of the following questions: How were you supported when you experienced an earlier loss? What was your grieving like? Did others acknowledge your loss/grieving? How did your health care provider meet your needs?
The responses ranged from dismissing the loss as a legitimate reason to grieve, to profound sadness, feeling alone, isolated and misunderstood. Many reported that family, friends and even husbands/partners, did not view the loss as a significant one. Often they were encouraged to move on emotionally and begin planning for the next pregnancy.
The women were eager to talk, surprised they were being listened to and have the loss acknowledged. They often expressed shock at their tears as we talked, sometimes saying "I shouldn't be feeling this way, after all I have a new healthy baby now".
As health care providers, family, friends, partners, we need to be sensitive to parents who experience fetal/newborn death.
If you have personal experience with this type of loss, I send you my condolences.
The resources for coping with fetal/newborn death are plentiful, and at your fingertips. Please consider exploring websites (try searching fetal death/grieving/support or other related terms), local support groups, talking with health care providers, sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, meeting with clergy, journaling, creating music...or whatever moves you along in your recovery process. If you meet with resistance or denial, please don't let that stop you from trying another avenue. Please feel free to write to me.
If you know someone who has experienced a fetal/newborn loss (perhaps even a long time ago), gently acknowledge it and listen closely to the response. Be available and let her take the lead.
We can't fix it. But we can be part of the healing that comes through healthy grieving for any loss.
Many years after my nursing school experience, when I was a young mother, a friend experienced a first trimester loss.
When I asked her about it, she described the private ceremony she and her partner had--she wrote a poem, he sang a song, by a fire on a beach. They decided it was too early in the pregnancy to name the baby, but felt a strong need to acknowledge it and it's death.
We both cried as she related the story. She said I was the first to ask what it felt like, and she appreciated an opportunity to talk.
In this season (just a few days before Christmas) the miracle of birth and the joy of children shapes the actions of many of us.
Please remember those who are mourning for children whose lives were so short that they are often not acknowledged.
Take a chance: let someone know about your loss, be ready to share your feelings.
Or, ask a question, hold a hand, lend an ear.
Make this Christmas special in a new way.
